So I've been called a lot of things:
Sleazy, drug dealer, used car salesman…
Some even say I'm a douche or douchebag (or at least look like it).
It's funny 'cause the truth is…
…those labels exist for a reason.
We all judge books by their covers (people = books, style = covers).
And based on people's judgements – I think I’m qualified to teach you how to dress & act like a douche.
Here are 10 things that people associate with being a douchebag (according to my research).
Note: this is NOT a serious article. Let's have some fun for a change!
Douche Style Tip #1 – Pop The Collar Out
The popped collar look made a breakthrough sometime during the early '80s – when it was pretty much a staple of the preppy, rich frat boy you'd normally see in the movies.
He would be portrayed bullying nerdy kids, getting into fights or showing off his fancy car to girls. Unsurprisingly – he was always the villain, never the protagonist or someone the audience roots for.
So if you're going to pop your collar in public, be ready to embrace the douchey look. Don't even try to justify it or say you don't want to get your neck sunburned. No one will believe those reasons, so you might as well wear it with swagger.
While you're at it, remember there's no real difference whether you go for a mid-pop or full-blown pop. You'll also earn bonus points if you have two or more layers with popped collars (like a shirt + jacket). If you can somehow reach 5 – you become the king of Doucheville.
Douche Style Tip #2 – Wear Sunglasses All The Time (Even At Night)
This one may be a bit controversial. Can sunglasses make you more attractive? Yes – but not always for the right reasons.
Let's not forget the real function of sunglasses: to protect your eyes from the sun. So of course, it's pointless to put them on at night or when you're indoors… unless you're intentionally covering your eyes.
Aside from those who are blind, and maybe those in show business – it's sort of frowned upon to wear sunglasses where there's no sun. But that's exactly why douchebags should do it. They're supposed to be that “odd man out” in the room.
A douchebag wears shades to make people wonder why he's doing it, what he's hiding, or if he simply doesn't want eye contact. Others might think it's because he's high or something – which doubles the dose of that douchey impression.
So bring a pair of sunglasses wherever you go, and wear them as much as possible (except when you're driving or at work). You can also put them on the back for your head for a more unorthodox look. Or alternatively, you can try some wrap-around sports shades and copy Bono's style.
Douche Style Tip #3 – Wear Designer Tank Tops / Wife-Beaters
You may not have a bulging chest or buff arms – but that doesn't mean you can't go sleeveless. In fact, a douchebag shouldn't care how he looks with a tank top or wife-beater.
He wears it primarily for that “don't f–k with me” kind of aura. He's copying the way those guys in the TV show Cops were dressed as they were getting arrested. But that doesn't mean he's a criminal himself!
By choosing a white sleeveless piece, you're the douchebag type that looks like he lives in a trailer, drinks beer all day and hardly showers. But if you go with a designer tank top, you're more of a “metro” douchebag who cares a lot about his appearance. Either way – you still come off as a badass.
Douche Style Tip #4 – Sport A Blown Out Hairstyle
The average guy gets a haircut to look smart and well-groomed. But that's not the case for douchebags – they do it to keep their edge.
Don't underestimate the power of your hair. The right haircut can make people even more scared of you – especially if it looks like a weapon!
But remember that a douchey hairstyle doesn't have to be that extreme. You can also do a variation of the faux-hawk that's seen on the men of MTV's Jersey Shore. These so-called “guidos” like Michael Sorrentino style or wax their hair so that it fits with the party animal stereotype.
Guys like Sorrentino look like douchebags to tons of people, and it's partly because they look the part from head to toe. It's even reached a point where Abercrombie & Fitch had to offer Sorrentino a good sum of money so he would agree to stop wearing their clothes in public!
The company was trying to avoid a “negative brand association” coming from him and the show. So that's living proof of how the douchebag look does exist. It's real, and people perceive it every day.
Douche Style Tip #5 – Be A One Up Guy
That's right – being a douchebag takes more than just looking like one. You have to be bold enough to step on people's toes lightly… as in subtle ways to bring up your ego while striking at theirs.
That includes trying to one-up people all the time. A one-up guy would hear his friend talk about making coffee in the morning, then answer back saying he actually grew coffee beans, harvested and roasted them before brewing his own coffee. He'd be lying for the most part, but that's part of the act.
One-upping is the art of upstaging someone, diverting the attention away from them, and making your own story cooler by comparison. It's stealing their thunder in the most arrogant way.
Not willing to do it? Then maybe you're not meant to be a douchebag.
Douche Style Tip #6 – Act Like A Home Wrecker
If there's anyone who best knows the concept of “hos before bros” – it's a douchebag. He has fun hitting on any of the girlfriends, fiancées or wives of his friends. He may or may not really respect those relationships, but he just wants to push those jealous buttons.
Be as flirtatious as you can with those women, but hook up at your own risk. Think long and hard about the repercussions (physical and emotional) it can have on all parties involved before you go all the way.
But then again, this may actually be a good thing if your friend ends up seeing her for who she really is –somebody he's not meant to be with. So does that make you go from being a douchebag to a hero?
Douche Style Tip #7 – Show Off Your Body In Public
Who says only women get flak for showing too much skin? A real douchebag thinks he's the sexiest man alive – and isn't afraid of a public self-exhibition. He shares the same level of pride as that unfortunate emperor from The Emperor's New Clothes (except nobody's fooling him).
Here are some mostly-legal ways you can show your physique like a douchebag:
- Unbuttoning your shirt all the way to the navel
- Wearing V-necks with a very low neckline
- Lifting up your shirt to reveal your 6-pack, and asking the ladies to touch it (while calling any woman who refuses to do so a lesbian)
- Taking your shirt off and flexing in public (or in the mirror at the gym) – and double douchebag points for filming it!
Douche Style Tip #8 – Pose With A “Peace Sign” In Every Picture
Here's something that douchebags would find interesting – the “V sign” (also known as the peace sign) is more than just some hand gesture that annoys the heck out of some people.
You can check out this Wikipedia page that claims the “V sign” (with the backside of the hand facing the other person) could've originally been a gesture made by Welsh and English archers who fought at the Battle of Agincourt in 1415.
The legend here is the enemy French army would cut off the index and middle fingers of captive archers so they couldn't use their longbows anymore. Those who were uncaptured and kept fighting would display those two fingers as an act of defiance against the French.
So whether you're a douchebag who has the urge to send a message like “you can't control me”, or who simply wants to tick people off – this is the sign to make in photos. But if you're culturally sensitive, bear in mind that it's offensive to these countries: Ireland, South Africa, New Zealand and the UK.
Douche Style Tip #9 – Dress Up Like A Rebel
Finally, you should have the audacity to make controversial and rebellious choices of clothing.
Take full advantage of any event or place where there's no strict dress code. Swing for the fences. Be creative.
Let's say you got hired for a job at your local fast food joint. Imagine the reactions you'd get by coming to work in a suit and top hat, and pulling out a pocket watch now and then…
Or what if you were invited to your cousin's laid-back wedding (the key word being laid-back)? And you arrived in your brightest colored suit and a striking pair of skinny-fit jeans? You'd bet on people's heads turning – but not toward the bride and groom!