Romance is big business.
According to statistics from the Romance Writers Of America®, the annual total sales value of Romance novels in 2013 was as much as $1.08 billion.
You may be skeptical of this fact—particularly if you’ve never even considered buying a romance novel (or watching a chick flick) in your life.
That’s normal…84% of romance book buyers are female.
Yes. Women love romance.
And if you are a man who loves women, you had better belly up to the romance bar and get down with your Hallmark self.
People often ask me how to build sexual tension with a woman through texting. It’s an excellent question, and there isn’t a simple answer. But I’ll try to lay out a process for you.
First, though, let’s look at why people fall in love and why real-life romance is even more powerful than movies.
You will find:
- Love Is A Highly Addictive Drug
- General Rules Of The Game When Texting Women
- Text Messages That Build Sexual Tension
- Text Message #1 Something Thoughtful
- Text Message #2 Show Vulnerability
- Text Message #3 Compliment Her
- Text Message #4 Remind Her Of A Memory
- Text Message #5 Tell Her How Much She Means To You
- Text Message #6 Get Flirty
- Text Message #7 Know What She Finds Romantic
Love Is a Highly Addictive Drug
Love is arguably the most mystical and potent drug in the world—and always has been.
Did you know that the brain craves love?
Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York, states that
“Intense, passionate love uses the same system in the brain that gets activated when a person is addicted to drugs.”
The ‘pleasure center’ of the brain, which deals with motivation and rewards, has a powerful reaction to the people we love. The drive to win them over is a primitive response that produces intense cravings. We essentially become hooked on the object of our affections.
Looking For Love vs. Natural Attraction
When we are actively seeking love, we look for certain traits in a person. These might include humor, kindness, empathy, intelligence, attractiveness, and so on.
But sometimes we fall in love when we’re not even looking for it. It arrives like a thief in the night, on the dance floor, at a restaurant, in an elevator, at work. Anywhere. It might even hit you at the office printer where Amber from Human Resources shows you a side to her you never knew existed.
The chemistry between a man and a woman plays a crucial role in making this happen.
How Chemically Compatible Are You?
According to experts, we pick our mates based on how compatible their chemical makeup is with ours. In a nutshell, we all have “chemical families” and pick partners with chemicals that complement our own. This means that a person with high testosterone levels would likely choose a mate with high estrogen levels.
But psychology also has a part to play. We often choose a mate according to a mental “love map” in our mind, a list of traits that exist subconsciously and that details the exact characteristics we’d like to see in a perfect partner.
So, Is It Out Of Our Control?
If falling in love is driven almost entirely by chemistry and our psychological makeup, does this mean we have no control over it whatsoever? Does it mean that it’s pointless to try and keep love alive by romancing a woman via text messages?
Well, not quite.
Researchers say you can trigger another person’s body chemistry to keep love alive by:
Keeping things fresh: Dopamine is released in abundance when we try something new and exciting. By texting a woman novel stuff, she hadn’t seen before—or didn’t expect to see from you—you’re ramping up her interest.
Text: “Can I trust you with a secret?” (text 1)
After she begs you for the secret
“I think you’re pretty hot ;)” (text 2)
Then you can tease her further by texting
“But I’m not that easy, J.”
Keeping in touch: Oxytocin, a.k.a. the love hormone or cuddle hormone, is associated with bonding. You can increase oxytocin levels by holding hands, playing “footsie,” putting your arm around her shoulder or even just touching her leg.
Or you can create an image of touch via Text:
“Gentle kisses on the small of your back.”
Keeping things hot: Flirting with her via text makes her want even more flirtatious behavior. The more you drive her desire, the more she’ll want from you.
Text: “Last night in my dreams, you were amazing.”
How To Give Her What She Wants
So, if you want to keep oxytocin and dopamine pumping through her veins, you should start by giving her what she wants.
Scratching your head? Completely lost?
Luckily there is hope, and it all boils down to four key ingredients. According to sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox, Ph.D., director of the National Marriage Project
at the University of Virginia, women have four basic romantic wishes:
- Loving devotion in a committed relationship
- Thoughtful, honest behavior
- Generosity of spirit
- Satisfying sex
Yes, guys, I said it: good sex.
How does this translate to texting? I'm sure you can figure out the last one; nevertheless, all four of these fundamental wishes tie into my texting tips below.
Don't get lazy if you've got a woman who is clearly interested in you and is chemically, psychologically, and emotionally compatible. You still need to hit the sweet spot to keep the love flame burning strong.
General Rules Of The Game When Texting Women
Before I get into the specific types of text messages that you should be sending her, there are a few general rules of the texting game that you will need to keep in mind:
Maybe you feel like texting her during your coffee break to tell her you'd like to take her out this weekend or to let her in on your latest sexual fantasy.
So you rattle one off before being herded into an impromptu team meeting for the next two hours.
The problem? Your rushed, rambling text may have left her confused as to what you meant, and you're not able to reply to her questions to clarify things.
When she's working, maybe sitting in front of her computer with her eyes blurring over, the last thing she needs is to try and work out what you're going on about.
If you're out for romance, make sure it's obvious what you mean. If you have an insane day ahead of you, the best route may be to make her smile with a sweet and simple “Good Morning” message thanking her for a fun weekend and leave it there.
Text: Good morning, my little Julie, Thanks for organizing everything with our friends; you make every weekend so special. Big kiss, Peter
Watch Your Punctuation
Did you know that the innocuous period you tagged at the end of your text may have made the whole thing look serious or insincere?
For example, compare these texts:
“I had a great time last night.”
“I had a great time last night!”
“I am thinking about you.”
“I am thinking about you… J”
Be vigilant with your punctuation.
I have a friend who is one of the nicest guys in the world. But his text messages come off as monotone or even cold. He doesn't use capitals, and he throws periods everywhere. thanks. sure.
When in doubt, add a smiley.
Text Her at Night
Unlike busy, ambiguous mornings, evenings are almost always a good time to text the girl you like. At this point, work is over, the gym is done, and she's settling down in front of the television in her casual clothes. She's eaten dinner, she's comfortable, and she feels good. She is in the right mood for romance.
Moreover, she'll be slipping into bed soon. Start texting her in the early evening, stoke the flames of desire, and keep her thinking of you as she drifts off to sleep. Start slowly to gauge her mood – “This sofa would be a lot more comfortable with your head resting on my shoulder and my arms around you” and build up when you get a positive response.
She might even dream about you.
Especially if you text:
Sleep tight. Promise that you'll dream of me too.
This is a BIGGIE. I had a friend who couldn't get this one girl out of his mind. She was driving him crazy with her sex appeal and intelligence. He wanted her all for himself.
Whenever she was out with her friends or otherwise occupied, he would start texting her. I told him to cool it, let her have her own space, and wait until she finished doing whatever she was doing.
He felt as though if he didn't text her, she'd forget about him—as though she might meet another guy while she was out and get married the next day.
His paranoia had gotten the better of him, and he'd forgotten this fundamental rule: when you're romancing a girl, there is a right time to text her, and there is a wrong time.
And trust me, nothing kills a romantic message quite like a follow-up text that demands to know where she is.
Text: “You looked gorgeous in your little black dress last night… I wanted to kiss your soft lips and hold you in my arms underneath the moonlight. I kept my curtains open all night and gazed at the star I've named after you. I'll cherish that star forever.”
Then, after she hasn't texted back for two hours, you kill the buzz with this beauty:
Pick a time when you know she's going to be free, and wait.
Don't Just Flirt with Her
Going back to the three ways of keeping love alive, keeping it fresh is especially important with texting. Sure, there will be times when you'll flirt with her. Perhaps you'll flirt with her often, but you mustn't flirt with her all the time.
Constant flirting can get boring very quickly, and it'll make you sound like an actor reading from a movie script who doesn't know how to lift his head and ad-lib.
Even if she knows you like her, it's essential to shift your focus now and then.
It's okay to ask about everyday things. Ask her how her important meeting went. Take an interest in her life. Encourage her and be her biggest fan.
Text: You showed real courage Friday. I'm glad you didn't let your colleague push you around.
Text Messages That Build Sexual Tension
So, now that the game rules out, let's tackle some creative messaging ideas (a.k.a. WHAT in the Sam H. you can send to get those love hormones pumping!).
#1 The Thoughtful Text
Women love emotional honesty, and they like men who are at ease with their own emotions. As I said earlier, this is one of our four fundamental wishes, so take note as you learn how to build sexual tension through text!
Thoughtful texts are really easy to compose. You could take an interest in how her day is going, offer to cheer her up or send her a loving text that lets her know you're thinking of her.
If she has just attended a function that you know she dreads, ask her how it went.
The key is to be specific. The more specific you are, the more personalized your messages are, and the more genuine and thoughtful they come across as being.
If you are completely out of creative ideas (it happens to the best of us!), then send her a verse from a romantic song.
This could be a song you both love—”your” song—or it could be one of your personal favorites.
Text #2 Show Vulnerability
Women also want truthfulness from you, and they're okay if you make yourself vulnerable before them. Don't believe me? Check out Corey Blake's TED Talk, “Vulnerability is sexy.”
Sharing the actual substance of your character is romantic. It builds the trust that long-term relationships have as their cornerstone.
Of course, showing vulnerability can feel risky. When we do so, we expose ourselves more honestly as flawed human beings—which everyone is, despite the images of perfection we feel we need to project. You may worry that showing any weakness will cause her to reject you rather than empathize with you.
However, revealing intimate details about yourself has been proven to build romantic feelings quickly. An experiment by Professor Arthur Arun in which total strangers did just that for half an hour resulted in two marriages! What types of vulnerability can you show? Here are a couple of examples:
“Worried about my big meeting this afternoon…but excited to see you tonight.”
“Not feeling too chipper today, must be missing something (or someone ;).”
Letting her know you're imperfect invites her to share a similar vulnerability with you as an equal, and together, you can then forge a meaningful connection.
Showing vulnerability can also be just as simple as telling her how much you enjoy her company.
Text #3 Compliment Her
Women want generosity, which can mean giving your time and appreciation through words rather than gifts.
But sometimes, it's not easy to know what to compliment when you are communicating with a woman via text. After all, you can't see her, so you can't exactly say that her dress looks nice today.
Instead, compliment her intelligence or craftiness or notice something small that she's recently changed. The devil is in the details. Asking for her advice is a great way to show you respect her opinion. For instance:
“Need help from my favorite fashionista! Big meeting today, was thinking white shirt and blue suit. What do you think? What color tie should I wear?”
Romantic movies are crammed with ideas for compliments if you're all out of inspiration.
Text #4 Remind Her Of A Memory You Shared
While you can't hold her hand or run your hand through her hair with a text message, you can take her for a trip down memory lane. Shared memories serve as your virtual touch.
Make her laugh by recalling the time you slipped in the snow.
Make her dream wistfully of last summer when you both had the beach all to yourselves.
Recalling intimate details of shared memories puts you at the forefront of her mind and reminds her how special you are to her and she to you. It's also a chance to get flirty.
Text #5 Tell Her How Much She Means to You
This one is where our wish for commitment and devotion comes in. Women don't always know how much they mean to you – especially if you don't tell them!
To really romance her like a gentleman, you should tell her how much she means to you and do so regularly.
Say that you're having one of those days where you'd be so lost if you didn't have her. Tell her that your heart just smiled when something reminded you of her.
Let her know that she's always at the forefront of your mind, no matter what you're doing during the day.
Text #6 Get Flirty
This tip is a tricky one. How naughty is acceptable?
It depends on who you're texting and how they've reacted to your texts so far. You'll know from her responses how naughty she wants you to be. Studies have shown that more adventurous women will respond better to direct and overt messages.
If she's given hints inviting you to turn the heat up a bit, take advantage and go a step further. One emoticon, in particular, can be your best friend when you want to get flirty!
The difference a wink can make is enormous. It can take “nice” texts just far enough into the flirty territory to change the tone of the conversation. Consider the difference here:
“Can't wait to get to know you better”
“Can't wait to get to know you better ;)”
Otherwise, it's better to play it cool. Being flirty via texting can be fun, but it can also kill the romance if she's not feeling it.
Sound her out first before deciding what course of action to take.
Text #7 The Clincher: Know What She Finds Romantic
In the end, romance over any medium boils down to something straightforward. It might seem obvious, but to be romantic, you need to give your wife or girlfriend the type of romance she craves.
Take the time to learn what she thinks is romantic, and give it to her. Your extra efforts are likely to reap a whole lot of rewards. Here are some ideas:
Did she grow up dreaming of marrying a handsome prince? Become her Prince Charming by sending her romantic bedtime stories when you are apart.
Does she think that romantic gifts are special? Buy her a single unique flower and send it to her with a short personalized note.
Is music the way to her heart? Send her a voice message with a song playing in the background, followed by a cute text saying, “made me think of you.”
Has her job become unbearable for her? Man up and take over so she can relax – pick up the kids, dry cleaning, or hotdog buns without being asked (make sure you send her a sweet text such as, “Go home after work. I've got the kids and dinner covered. You can thank me later J”
Romance is about being kind, showing appreciation, and being generous with your feelings and yourself. Take a minute to think about your relationship and how you can show your wife or girlfriend that you are:
- fully invested in a loving and committed relationship
- thoughtful and honest
- generous in spirit
- eager to satisfy her sexually
Use the above texts to build sexual tension through text and level up your game.
Follow this guide, and who knows where the night could take you! To improve your chances, click here to discover my guide to the best types of underwear a man can buy… trust me, the ladies will LOVE it.
This is a guest post by Claudia Cox, founder of Text Weapon. Sign up for your FREE 30 day Texting Club trial. You’ll receive access to 300 messages, and tips on how to use texting to improve your relationships.
Click below to watch the video – How To Build Sexual Tension Through Text?