Single men…imagine this scenario:
You're out for the night with friends.
Just looking to relax and have fun.
Then you see her…she is mesmerizing.
You take a deep breath (maybe a drink) and approach.
You walk up behind her and politely say “hello”…
She turns and gives you the “oh great, another creep look”.
What, why? You're a nice guy, dressed well, and she didn't even give you a chance?
Men are always asking the question… How do I know if a woman is interested in me?
It's actually not so tough.
With some observation skills and a little body language science in your toolbox, the answers will reveal themselves.
Watch for these signs and you'll know what to look for in a woman to see if she is interested in you, desires to be approached, and what you can do to up your odds of success.
Approach Her Correctly
When a woman goes out looking to make a connection they send out signals to people they are interested in getting to know better. These are the most common ways a woman will indicate that she is available and wants to be approached.
- When she walks into a room she takes 10 or 15 seconds to scan the room. Not like she is looking for someone in particular, but taking in the entire place and everyone in it. A good metaphor might be she is looking at the menu.
- She will then make short eye contact of less than 3 seconds with somebody wants to meet. This may happen several times. Researcher Monica Moore's study showed that men will usually miss a woman's first eye contact attempt and in fact on average women need to make at least 4 attempts before the man even notices. On top of that she may have to make as many as 13 availability glances before she is approached, so pay attention.
- She will also check to see if you are looking at her. So don't be afraid to send glances her way as well.
- If interested, she will look at you longer than 3 seconds and maybe smile or send you an eyebrow flash when she notices you are looking at her.
- Watch to see if it is just you that she is doing this with. If she is doing this with multiple people she may just be a really flirty person and it is not you in particular she is interested in, although that doesn't mean you shouldn't approach.
- You have done this glance back and forth, smile and eyebrow flash dance for a little while and she has shown interest. At this point, you have an opening to go and talk, or ask her to dance, or whatever. So go do it!
- It is important that you never approach a woman from behind. That may surprise or startle her and you don't want to come across as sneaky or creepy. Studies have shown that woman actually prefer to be approached from the side or at an angle and men prefer to be approached head on. Nobody likes to be approached from behind. So if her back is turned, circle around, make eye contact, then approach from that angle.
Now the approach has been made and conversation is started. How do you know if it is going well? Look for these signs.
- When starting the conversation, it may be a good idea to not stand directly in front of her because that might come off as too aggressive. Instead stand at an angle. As the conversation progresses, turn more towards her and if she reciprocates or turns more towards you that is a good sign. The goal is to be eventually face to face, torso to torso and feet facing feet. You should try to make this transition as quickly as seems appropriate and comfortable. By the time you are in a real conversation this should be your goal. If you find that most of her body is facing you but one of her feet is pointing away from you, that is a sign that she may not be as interested as you think.
- She may look up and to the side at you, perhaps over her shoulder with an eyebrow flash and flirtatious smile. This includes making both coy and demure facial expressions at whoever she is interested in connecting with.
- A good test to see if she may be interested in you is with intimate gazing. Social gazing is when a person mostly looks at the other person's eyes and then down to the mouth. Intimate gazing is when a person looks at the other person's eyes and then down to the chest. No… not the breasts, but the suprasternal notch just below the bottom of the neck. If you find her looking down there or if you initiate an intimate gaze and she flashes an eyebrow raise or returns the intimate gaze that is a good indicator that she may be interested in you.
- She will smile a genuine smile and laugh or giggle, even if you or your jokes are not that funny.
- She will flip her hair or do preening. When a woman does this what is happening is she is subconsciously showing you the health of her hair, throwing off pheromones, and displaying the length of her neck and roundness of her face. All things that most men find attractive in a potential mate.
- She will draw attention to her lips so that you know they are available. She may do this by licking them, touching them, or putting something on them like lipstick.
- According to MIT researcher Sandy Pentland, if the woman is speaking to you quickly and smoothly that is a very good sign that she is interested. On the other hand if she is speaking haltingly or in a distracted tone, that means just the opposite.
- Another good sign is that you notice that you are mirroring each other. Research shows that people who like each other or feel they have a connection will subconsciously mirror each other.
- She will lean in to enter your personal space. Science calls the amount of space people like to have around them proxemics. In western culture the space called the intimate zone is 0″ – 18″. If you find her crossing into your intimate zone or allowing you into hers that is a good indicator that she is interested. On the other hand if you lean into her intimate zone and she leans back to keep her distance, that is a sign she may not be.
- She makes excuses to make contact with you. The more personal and intimate the better. So bumping shoulders or light touches on the arm might be good but touching your lower back, butt or face is a much better sign. Touching is a very important step to take because when one person touches another even with something as brief and innocent as a handshake a hormone called oxytocin is released. Oxytocin is called the connection hormone and when it is released it builds a feeling of connection that would take at least three hours of good conversation to achieve. So make sure that if it seems right, you make that connection more quickly. Maybe shake her hand when you have introduced or a light touch on her arm during the conversation. Studies have shown that simple touch of the arm greatly increased the chance that she will give you her phone number and who knows what else.
Signals she is not feeling it.
Besides the few warnings mentioned above, here are some signals that she is not that into you and you may need to adjust what you are doing or move on to someone else.
- She is giving you blocking behavior by folding her arms or placing objects like her purse between you.
- She is pursuing her lips a lot, or her talking is slow, fractured, or hesitant like she is distracted or self-filtering what she is saying to you.
- She is flashing negative micro-expressions at you while maintaining an air of politeness.
- She is making nervous or self-soothing gestures. (then again she may just be nervous because of your confidence and charm)
- When you move closer or lean in, she moves away.
- She is looking around a lot to see what else is going on around her.
- One or both of her feet are pointed away from you.
- She continues to send the availability signals and glances discussed above to other men in the room.
- She is turning away from you in an attempt to either leave when there is an opening or inviting others to join your conversation.
How to be more attractive.
There have been a lot of studies done that say when it comes to attracting women it isn't as much about looks as it is about how a man presents himself. Evolution has wired both sexes to seek out the best mates, this means the most attractive choice for her may not be the best-looking person in the room. Here is some advice to help tip this evolutionary scale in your direction.
- Take care of your appearance and hygiene.
- Dress well and for the occasion. There is a lot of good information on this site relating to that.
- Make a great first impression by smiling, keeping your hands visible and using open, confident body language.
- Be confident in the way you look by taking up more space. Stand with your legs at shoulder width, keep your hands out of your pockets, have your shoulders back and stand tall. Avoid self-soothing gestures like touching your face or stomach. You are the master of all you survey…act like it.
- Use an authoritative voice tone.
- Send off your own availability signals.
- Be truly interested in her, and what she has to say. Let her do most of the talking and show you are interested in what she has to talk about.
- Be the best version of your authentic self.
Of course this isn't every sign or indicator, and some depend largely on the situation and context of what is going on. Yet this knowledge will give you a greater understanding of what signals a woman sends to show she wants to be approached, how it is going during the conversation phase, and what you can do personally to increase your odds of success. I know it can be tough to find someone out there that you want to make a real connection with, but add this body language knowledge to your toolbox and you will make building the relationships you want easier.
Click below to watch the video – How Do You Know If She Is Interested?
Moore, Monica.; Human Nonverbal Courtship Behavior—A Brief Historical Review. Journal of Sex Research. 2010 47(2-3): 171-180.
Pease, Allan, and Barbara Pease. The Body Language of Love. [Buderim, Qld.]: Pease International, 2012.
Grammer, Karl ; Schiefenhövel, Wulf ; Schleidt, Margret ; Lorenz, Beatrice ; Eibl eibesfeldt, Irenäus. Patterns on the Face: The Eyebrow Flash in Crosscultural Comparison. Ethology. 1988. 77(4): 279-299.
Burgoon, Judee K., Laura K. Guerrero, and Kory Floyd. Nonverbal Communication. Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2010.
Foster, Craig A.; Witcher, Betty S.; Campbell, W. Keith; Green, Jeffrey D. Arousal and attraction: Evidence for automatic and controlled processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 74(1), Jan 1998, 86-101.
Guéguena, Nicolas. Courtship compliance: The effect of touch on women’s behavior. Social Influence, Volume 2, Issue 2, 2007, Pages 81 – 97