5 First Date Tips For Men That Work (From Her) | How To Effectively Talk To Women

There are two types of men.

Sam is the guy that knows how to make the impression that he wants to make on a first date.

He comes off as charismatic, chivalrous and easy to talk to.

He knows how to make a woman smile and feel like she’s known him forever.

Then, there’s the other guy….

Let’s call him Harry.

He’s lucky he even got the first date.

The woman he asked out almost evaded the question but could tell he was nice, so she gave him a chance.

He looks down when he speaks and his inner self-talk is wondering how he got so lucky to score a date.

His date can feel something is off, she can’t put her finger on it…but it just feels awkward.

Which guy do you want to be?

Let me take a wild guess and say, Sam.

But you’re probably thinking: “Well I could be like Sam, but I’m just not like that,” or “I wasn’t born with that charisma like he was.”

Well, guess what? Your communication skills are skills.

They can be practiced and perfected, but more importantly, a few small tweaks can make a massive impact on how charismatic you come across.

Today I want to give you a 5-step framework to be like Sam. The charismatic guy who gets what he wants while being himself. He’s likable, attractive and knows how to keep a first date fun and interesting.

This is a guest post by Katrina Razavi, communication coach and founder of CommunicationforNerds.com. If you liked this article, visit her site to sign up for a free three-video mini course called: How to Shut Up that Inner Voice & Beat Awkward Conversations. It covers six secrets to social confidence, the #1 strategy to improve your life and how to have natural conversations…even if you’re super awkward.

Step #1: Warm up

When most people think of warming up, they think about jogging a few laps or stretching before an exercise routine. But you can also warm up for a social event or date. Doing so will get you ready for “game time.”

Mentally preparing yourself for a first date can be the difference between seeing that woman again or never, ever talking to her again.

Here are a few tips when it comes to warming up for a first date:

Visualize– vividly imagine that you are already on the date. Think about the setting, the environment, imagine that the conversation is going smoothly and you’re having a great time. Visualize some topics that you want to bring up and ask her about, visualize her smiling back at you. Visualizing in great detail will trigger the same motor responses in your body as if you were actually doing them. Just like top athletes and CEO’s visualize, you can too.

Channel a larger goal– If you’re feeling a bit nervous, beat that “fight or flight” response by thinking about a larger goal. It should be a goal that’s more important than just you. Perhaps it’s wanting to find your life partner or wanting to genuinely connect with someone new. When you have a larger goal in mind, you’ll find yourself more motivated to do well.
Pregame some stories– People remember stories and stories show a lot about who you are. It can show your values, your morals and your personality. Think about some experiences in your life that are significant to you. Once you identify some stories, it’s totally fine to script them out. You may even want to practice while recording yourself or taking to a friend on the phone. Having a few stories in your back pocket will allow you to open up and deepen the conversation. Here are some questions to jog your memory:
When was the last time you felt outside of your comfort zone?
What’s something that has happened to you that people may find hard to believe?
Have you traveled anywhere recently?
What’s your favorite childhood memory?

Step #2: Deepen the Conversation

To truly be memorable, you want to go from “transactional” to “emotional” conversations.

Now it may not always be possible the first time you meet someone because it’s important that you go through the different levels layer by layer first. You have to work up to the “emotional” types of conversations. But the goal is to get through the transactional moments and get into the emotional moments if there’s an opening.

Let’s dive into these two channels of communication.

Transactional
- Phatic statements- niceties like “how are you?” or “good to see you.” This simply helps reduce friction in interactions. If you’re on a first date, then you’ve likely surpassed these phatic statements but may start off the date with them
- Factual- General facts like where you both live, work, grew up, etc. Not much emotion behind these, simply facts.
- Evaluative statements- statements that reveal our view of people or situations. These can be things like compliments or sharing an opinion about a current event or the environment you’re in. For example, “I usually don’t order margaritas because I’m not a huge drinker, but this restaurant makes them very well. “ A statement like that may spark a question like, “Oh why don’t you drink, is that a personal or religious choice?”
Emotional

Gut-level statements– statements that show feelings like, “I’m so happy that you’re here and we’re having a great time.” It usually reveals something personal about the speaker.
Peak statements– these are very deep, inner feelings that carry the most amount of risk in terms of how the other person might respond or perceive you. After telling a personal story someone may end with “That memory was the most embarrassing moment of my life” and you’ll know you’ve likely hit peak levels of conversation.”

Note that you’ll likely start with phatic or factual statements, but you can work your way up to evaluative statements by paying her a compliment or sharing an opinion.

If you feel like the conversation is going well, you can then get into the emotional type of statements.

You can say things like, “Well, I’m really glad we met each other tonight I was considering staying home. I’m glad I didn’t.” Or if you feel like there’s a flow to the conversation you can ask deeper questions.

In an interesting study by professor Art Aron, students who didn’t know each other were paired up. Half the pairs were given questions focused on the factual and evaluative levels. They were asked things like their favorite holiday or TV show.

The rest of the pairs were also given questions that started on the “factual” and “evaluative” levels but then the questions slowly progressed to more revealing “peak-level” questions. They asked things about their families and their most important memories.

Unsurprisingly, pairs who reached “peak-level” communication had formed a much closer bond than the first group.

Interestingly, weeks later, many of those pairs from the “peak-communication” groups continued to sit together in classes and hangout outside of school.

But here’s the real kicker. Aaron's team then surveyed students who weren’t part of the initial experiment. These students were asked to think of the person closest to them and rate how close they felt to that person.

To give you context, these are people like mothers, fathers, siblings, etc. It turns out that the instant connections that reached “peak-level” were rated as more powerful than many of the long-term lifelong relationships!

So if you really want to build an instant connection, work your way up the communication ladder.

Step #3: Get Vulnerable

So what’s the takeaway from all this stuff? Although you have to start with small talk and ice breakers, if you’re feeling the vibe try to take it a step deeper. But how do you actually get to that level?

A great way to do this is by taking the lead. Be the first one to share something about yourself that shows your vulnerability. It can be scary, but this is the best way to guarantee your conversation will reach an emotional level.

You can do this by sharing a story that you’ve crafted. Share an experience with that person that shows your values or who you are at your core.

Perhaps you recently volunteered, tell them about something interesting that happened or that you learned and why it’s meaningful to you. Perhaps you’re really close to a sibling, you can tell a funny or embarrassing story from your childhood that includes them.

Don’t be afraid to get vulnerable, when you take the lead you’ll increase the likelihood that they’ll follow.

So many times, people feel like keeping their guard up and that’s why it can take multiple dates to really get to know someone. Save yourself time and money by taking the “social” lead, get vulnerable and really dive deep with the other person.

Step #4: Listen

The reason why most men don’t want to truly listen is because they’re so hung up on showing a woman how important, smart, or macho they are so she falls for them. But do you know what’s better than bragging?

Listening.

This goes hand-in-hand with tip #1. When you’re asking someone a question, or they’re disclosing something about themselves, the best thing you can do is shut up and listen.

Not sure how to do it? Here are some tips.

Visualize their story- when someone is sharing something, I like to paint a picture of what they’re describing in my mind. It's the same type of process you’d do when you’re reading a book, you imagine the characters and put images to the words you’re reading. When you imagine what they’re telling you, you’ll likely remember it better and your body language will naturally be more engaged. When someone genuinely feels like they’re being listened to they’ll feel like they’re the only person in the room. That is the key to charisma.
Listening body language- you can use your body to show that you’re listening. Turn your shoulders towards the other person, maintain eye contact as they’re speaking you can also intermittently nod to show that you’re following along with them.
Shut up til the end- many times we’re tempted to chime in with an opinion or similar story as someone is speaking. Hold it back, wait until they’re done. When they finish what they have to say, briefly summarize what they said to verbally show that you understood what they’re saying. If you have things to add or want to ask clarifying questions, you can ask when they’re done.

Step #5: End With a Bang

Numerous studies have shown that your experiences (pleasurable or unpleasurable) are largely dictated by two things: “peak moments” and how they end.

Here’s an easy way to understand this heuristic: Let’s say you traveled to Europe. On the way over you had a fairly easy commute, your travels were a lot of fun climaxing at your visit to the Eiffel Tower. You went to Paris, Rome and Barcelona, but that was your favorite memory.

On the way back home, the airline lost your luggage and your flight was delayed for three hours. Rather than “averaging” out the good and the bad, the memories that will stick out strongest will be the Eiffel Tower and your crappy commute back home. Studies have shown you’re more prone to remembering the peak and “last moments” rather than taking your entire trip’s “satisfaction average.”

The point is that you want to end your date on a strong and positive note.

Now that you know you have to end your date with a bang, here are a few strategies you can use:

Use what you learned from listening to share an experience- since you’ve been closely following my advice you’ll have listened and learned many new things about your date. You’ve carefully held those in your back pocket and you’re now ready to use them to your advantage. Let’s suppose you realized you shared a common passion for music or cooking or a certain type of cuisine. Now is your chance to invite them on another date to share an experience with you. Hint: this is WAY better than texting back and forth for weeks. Get the commitment upfront and confirm that you’re both on the same page to hang out again. As you confirm the plans, smile back at them and tell them you’re excited to see them again. This will be a positive lasting memory that they will base the entire date off of.
End with a killer compliment- whether or not you want to keep in touch with the person, you can leave them with a sincere compliment. Use their name, look them in their eyes and pay them a meaningful compliment. Doing so will both make them feel good, but also leave a positive note at the end of the date. If you don’t want to hang out with them again, you can still compliment them. How do you give a compliment without being weird? Here are some examples:
I love your smile
I really enjoyed our conversations and your story about XYZ
I really liked talking with you, would you want to meet up next week?

Conclusion & Free Mini-Course

Going on a first date can be super intimidating, but if you follow the 5-step process you’ll increase your likelihood of coming across as charismatic and charming. Most importantly, you’ll be more likely to get a second date since you will be deepening the conversation, opening up, effectively listening and ending it with a bang!